Help getting family to do more

[dede]

"oh mum you over reacting" DS 16
" you'll be right" DH
" I always help" DD 12
" Do we get money" DD 8
" or chocolate" DS 5
(nothing) DS 14

They didn't seem to take me seriously so I said
 "if you don't help me out then I will go on strike and you will have to do everything your self "

"ok ok we will help" DH
" can I get money off my board?" DS 16
" No " Me
" well I'm not helping " DS 16
" well I'm not feeding you or doing your washing then " Me
" ok I will help" DS 16

This could take awhile I do think.......sigh

I did have some helpers last night from the younger children who cleaned up after dinner. And DH bathed the kids and made me a drink.
Time will tell I guess. I don't think it will happen over night, hopefully by the time I get this plaster off then things will be better.

[achookwoman]

Hang in there Dede,  you are doing great.

[faffa_70]

Hang in there Dede, this is where you now have to be strong!!

The main thing is to ASK them to help you. Don't expect them to know where you are needing help as they just simply won't ... ESPECIALLY DH and DS's!!!!... they are exceptionally good at turning blind eyes 

If they have a whinge etc then just gently remind them of all you have done for them for the last x amount of years and you are asking for a little bit of help for a little while ... (so if it continues after your foot is better all the better for you lol).

The hardest part is accepting that a job half done is always better than not done at all and eventually they do get better at it. It took me years of self restraint not to go behind my lot and "fix up" after them. I just remind myself that when I have to do it next time it is only half the work for me to do it.

I am a hard/mean mum and all of mine have had chores from little (been expected to make their beds from the time they go to kindy which is 4 here) and even DS 21 and DS 19 who work full time still have chores to do in the house to help me out AND have to pay board.

Thinking of you, knowing how much you have on your hands. 

[dede]

Well I chucked a wobbly this-morning and walked (hopped out) and left DH to organize the kids for school.
I though it was no good just sitting in another room listening to the mad house so I got in the car and drove to bunnings where this lovely lady helped me get a washing trolley (DH was supposed to go buy me one yesterday afternoon but didnt)
By the time I got back (now) everyone was gone to school/work and the house is not to bad. Beds are made , dirty dishes are washed etc. and now I can peg clothes on the line (well once I put the trolley together) ...... Maybe just maybe I'm getting through to them

6 weeks to go.........sigh

[keiramax]

Keep up the good work, stay strong, keep reminding them to help.

Maybe you can turn some jobs into a game, ie set the kitchen timer and see who can make their beds the best in 5 mins.  or have a rewards chart for standard/everyday jobs that everyone must do (make bed, put dirty clothes into laundry etc) and if they get done without asking whinging then at the end of the week offer a reward for the one with the most ticks.

My nephew complained about his board once too often so he didn't have to pay, instead he had to live like in a shared house.  Pay his share of the rent and other bills, buy his own food, cook for himself, do this own laundry etc.  He soon realised that board was cheap.

Have started training my two early.  DD (19 months) helps feeds the chooks and helps pick up her toys.  DS (4 months) trying to get him to help by sleeping through the night.

[judydawn]

Dede, you obviously did the right thing by walking out on them. This may be the only way to get things moving and then perhaps they will take you seriously, good move on your part.
They may dislike you in the short term but will remember this experience down the track when all these jobs will be on their own plates when they will also be trying to get their children to help out around the house. 
Because you are such an efficient person they are all just taking you for granted because everything is done for them, this little lesson is something that needed to happen for all of you.  Keep it up girl, if you weren't there (God forbid) they would have to cope on their own.

[dede]

Well I have put the washing trolley together and got one load on the line, one more to go.
I have wrote a list of jobs that need doing in the next couple of days and will get each family member to choose one job to complete for me.

One job I really need done is my path to the clothes line has chook poo on it because the kids keep letting the chooks out and it needs washing down  because I am finding it hard to maneuver the trolley and crutches around the poo so I'm not taking poo back inside. 

As I think of jobs I will write it down. I need one of those magnetic white boards so I can write it nice and big so all can see what needs doing and cross them off when it's completed. Was thinking I could write on my freezer with a white board pen then they couldn't miss it. But I don't want to leave any permanent marks on the freezer. Would that work?

[judydawn]

I used my blue whiteboard marker on an inconspicuous part of the fridge to test your theory Mandi and then wiped it off immediately with a damp cloth quite easily. Don't know if it would be harder to get off if it was left longer though and don't think I would chance it on the front of the fridge just in case it didn't.  That is unless someone else has done it before and had no problems with the removal. I'd just find a big piece of paper and use magnets to attach it to the front of the fridge.

[dede]

Thanks Judy. I decided not to risk it. Will try what you said with the paper. If its nice and big they won't miss it and just maybe things will get done.
Faffa is right that unless I tell them what needs doing they will never see it. If I threw a screwed up piece of paper on the floor where it was highly visible they would step over it 100 times and still not pick it up to put it in the rubbish.
I'm confident that if it's in writing that it will get done sooner or later.
Thanks everyone for your advise. Muchly appreciated.

Mandi.

[dede]

Oh and Judy thanks for trying the white board marker. I am so glad it wiped off for you. I would of felt terrible if it stayed there permanently.

[jkmt]

Stay strong Dede. You've made a good start. Just remember that for the first three months of any change we as individuals make, those around us will try very hard to bring us back to what they know as the 'norm'. After that, if you've stayed strong in your change, that should become the new 'norm'. That's the psychology of it anyway - hope it works!

Going out was a great idea. The best way I've ever found to get DH to know what is required at home and with getting the kids and school routine organised is to head out of town for a few days on a work conference or family visit. That way, I'm not around to judge the efforts or to try to step in and hold it all together as the morning routine crumbles around them. A couple of days of chaos means he and the kids get sorted on what they need to do to get to school/work/after school activities/homework, etc.

We also have a morning job sheet that the kids have to mark off each day. I print it out each week. While they don't get paid for those chores, they do get a 10 cent a day bonus at the end of the week if they have finished everything by 8.30am each day. If they don't finish on time, there is no money for that day. If they are running so late that they miss the bus and I have to drive them to school, then they have to pay me 10 cents per occasion.

[keiramax]

I won't recommend writing on the freezer with a whiteboard marker.  I write on my fridge and the first few times it comes off easy but then it starts to leave a blue stain.  Even with metho it still stains now. 

I write all the appointments, birthdays etc on there so my DH can see them, even then he still misses it.  If he is invited anywhere etc he now checks to see  if anything is on the fridge that will clash.  Has only taken 8 years but we are slowly getting there.

[mcmich]

The children will get better at the chores the older they get and if you aren't too critical (then they think they will never be able to do a good enough job).
It depends what is really important to you too. For me it is bed making (I'm a nurse and like a well made bed - hospital corners - closed end of pillow slip to the door). I showed my children how to make the bed properly for the first few times and even now DS 22yrs makes a great bed and folds a lovely fitted sheet. I was a tough mum.

[dede]

Lol, well I like a neat bed but certainly not hospital style. As long as everything is pulled up neatly and tucked in I'm happy.

[cookie1]

Hang in there dede. Even if you have to go outside and refuse to come in while they do the jobs. Tough love never hurt anyone and your recovery may be longer if you don't take care of yourself now.